i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
