I will die if light touches me.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
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