Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
