i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
