Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
