The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
