It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Randomize
