The maid of honor just puked.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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