the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
