dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
