My first STD was from a foam party
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
