He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
