it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
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