Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
