I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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