cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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