I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
