I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
