Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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