So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
