sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
zippers are such a cool invention
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
