she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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