Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
