Where is the hickey?
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
