dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
