is your mom at the bar?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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