We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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