dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
