I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
