only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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