I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
