The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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