Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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