Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
