I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
