my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
