The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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