I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
