you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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