You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
