i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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