My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You made out with two different species that night
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
