have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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