Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
