From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
