I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
