I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize
