I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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