Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Randomize
