so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
